Dear Canoga Park Bees,

Hi there. You girls and I have had a special relationship over the past couple of years, haven't we? It didn't seem to take long at all for a keen forager or two to plot the location to my apartment for the entire colony, specifically my porch where I store some candle making equipment as well as buckets with comb inside. It seems you are always sending a half dozen bees at any time just to “check” for any careless mistakes I may have made, such as leaving a lid to a bucket slightly ajar, and thus providing you with a delicious and free meal. Remember when I did that two years ago? I came home to find thousands of you girls working my porch, zipping in out of that bucket with such zeal that it looked like you were celebrating Christmas and winning the Mega Millions Lottery at the same time. I could even hear a collective, buzz like snickering from you as you overheard me trying to calm down my neighbor downstairs.

You girls really pushed the envelope last year, however, when you took the relationship a step further and commandeered my candle making equipment. A whole swarm of you loved my porch so much that you literally moved into one of these buckets, which was one hell of a surprise, let me tell you. Nothing gets the adrenaline going quite like having the seemingly innocent desire to pour a few candles, and going outside to grab the stainless steel pots only to discover a full hive has moved inside them. Remember how fast I dove back into my living room? I still have the rug burns on my knees.

You cut that one a little close. The neighbor downstairs (remember her?) had actually called the homeowners association and they had contracted with an exterminator to deal with the problem. You are very fortunate that the association people were friendly and gave me some time to transfer you squatters into a proper hive.

Now, here's the thing. I like you. I really do. But, and I know this comes as a tremendous surprise to you, no one else in my complex really does, and bribes using honey only works for so long. Which makes your recent actions especially disturbing. You should know that I have been very busy with bee removal jobs of late and have a few buckets that I leave in my truck to hold some of the honey comb that I cut out from them. One of the lids fell off last week and I was too much in a rush to notice. As a result, when I came back downstairs to my truck the next morning, I noticed hundreds of you %#$%&!!$% foragers were taking advantage of the situation. I drove off and you bees didn't care for the jostling, so you up and left as I made my way east on Parthenia. We sure did get an interesting look from that police officer didn't we? When I arrived at my location, I assumed things would be fine since none of you were around in the bucket anymore, and I sealed that and everything else.

When I came back home, I noticed a small cloud of you girls hovering around my parking space. As soon as I parked, you rushed to the bed of my truck, and I stared in frustrated disbelief at your general insolence. You actually WAITED for me to come home??? Are you kidding me??? There is a ton of flowers in bloom at the moment. Thousands actually. Just go a few more miles north to the 118 freeway and you'll find a buckwheat bounty, white flowers dripping with nectar for as far as the eye can see.

I can imagine what the “bee dance” back at your colony translated as: “There is a large and strange shaped white flower that can suddenly disappear whose bounty is never ending. Wait between the two white lines for it's glorious arrival.” I am truly not amused.

Please do something novel and forage for some actual flowers. There is plenty of food out there in the natural world right now, and your general pillaging is irritating my neighbors. Thanks, and I'm sure we'll be seeing each other soon.

Sincerely,

Keith